*This article is satirical*

Yesterday, the Communications community learned what it was like for one of their own to experience a first-hand tragedy, when senior Kelly Buchnan of Spring Lake lost her parking spot to another student. The latter student cannot be named due the Inkblot’s policy of not identifying minors with criminal charges.

“I heard that jingling of the keys. You always think it’s Mrs. Condon swinging hers around,” Buchnan said, while wearing a shock blanket and sipping tea in the nurse’s office. “But then I looked behind me and Condon was talking with Ms. Lane, keys out of sight. And I was like, oh god, this could be something much, much worse.” 

She took a deep breath mid-interview, as tears peaked at the edge of her eyes and she tried to recollect her words. “The jingling keys belong to a junior who just got their license.”

According to Buchanan, her mom made her take the bus that day as her family-bought BMW needed its brakes replaced. It was obviously inconvenient, she noted, but hours later she didn’t expect to be running out of the building, the sky beginning to spin and sweat dripping down her face as she realized the disaster that just happened. 

“The junior took my spot. She took my parking spot,” Buchanan said, her voice cracking as she broke down. 

“She hasn’t been the same since. I don’t know how to help her,” Buchanan’s friend, senior Riley McNeil of Wall, added. “I can’t imagine her pain. First, she couldn’t use her mom’s money to buy Rook that morning, and now this?” 

Guidance counselor Marilyn Friedman explained that the department takes advance steps to make sure there’s resources for students like Buchanan. 

“We have counseling, individual check-ins, and even referral to outside professionals if it gets that severe,” she explained. “It’s this exact type of crisis scenario, and only this scenario, that we were trained to handle properly.” 

As for the path towards recovery, Buchanan says that her next steps will include complaining loudly and making this incident her entire personality for a week or so. She hopes to make people see that situations like hers need more public recognition, recalling an anecdote from her childhood that changed her worldview. 

“When my dad would take me to his office in New York City as a kid, he used to make fun of the homeless people to bond with me and my brother Tanner. I feel jealous now, knowing that without cars, they couldn’t have gotten their parking spot taken,” Buchanan said. 

“But instead, I’m taking the power behind that jealousy, and intending to launch a movement about motivating others and informing them how to overcome such situations,” she said. “If I could do it, we can all do it.’