*This article is satirical*

Move over Blue Ribbon. CHS will soon have a new accolade to decorate the front hallway trophy case. The John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts announced today that junior Dylan Miller of West Long Branch will be joining the leagues of Dave Chappelle and Eddie Murphy by receiving the esteemed Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. 

Miller was selected for the award after an “outstanding performance” in the most recent Lip Sync competition, where he appeared for about 20 to 30 seconds and half-sang Taylor Swift’s “You Need to Calm Down” while wearing a blonde wig. 

“I owe it to Party City for the wig, and the generations of men who have also worn the same wig and done the exact same gag, paving the way for me.” Miller said. “I’m glad I could convince the teachers, and JFK himself, that we were really that good.” 

“Of course, the man, the myth, the legend could pull this off,” junior Mark Citano of Oceanport, Miller’s best friend, said. “He didn’t even learn the choreography or lyrics until he asked to take part two hours before the event. That’s some OG stuff right there 💯.” 

The Inkblot will launch a dedicated investigation into how Citano managed to pronounce the “💯” emoji out loud. 

“I….I just..,” said junior class council member Angelina Porter of Keyport, who spent four weeks choreographing and organizing the entire lip sync, when asked to comment on Miller’s achievement. She then trailed off, sighing, and walked away from the interview. 

According to the Center, the award is presented to individuals who have had an impact on American society in ways similar to Twain, who was chosen as the namesake for his “uncompromising perspective of social injustice and personal folly.” 

Guidance Counselor Marilyn Friedman noted that the award highlights CHS’s diversity and accepting atmosphere. 

“CHS often receives praise for how we always support our LGBTQ+ students. We embrace it when male students break social norms by expressing themselves more femininely than what typical gender roles would suggest,” she explained. “So naturally, putting a straight cis guy in a wig every April and making it a running joke of no actual substance only celebrates this prized, special community we’ve created here.”